Newman isn't turning out to be the solution to my woes as I thought. I never meant it to be a place for me to run away from my problems to, but rather a place to seek solace and peace at mind. Initially it was quite hard b/c I hardly knew anyone and there were all these solid friendships already established. now, 3 months later, I can say that I know quite a few people and have made some friends but it has turned out that what I came to Newman for has only been reintroduced. Kristen still is on my mind although not as often. I'm learning to be happy for her as she is now because I know now that she is happiest this way and I guess that is the most importnat thing to me. I cant help or change the fact that my emotions mean little to nothing to her, so I am slowly trying to learn to live with it. I thought that by making new friends and meeting new people I could get my mind off of Kristen. Instead I ended up developing a crush on someone which now has turned into jealousy and anger and isnt making anything better. Currently the only two people that can make me happy 100% w/o any concerns of friendships or relationships are Christy and Charisse, my non-Dorm and non-Newman friends. To them I can spew my frusterations and in turn hear theirs and feel like I have someone to talk to. But...I dont want that to be the case. I'm trying to get my dorm friends to hang out this qtr during breaks on campus, but so far no one has made an effort or their breaks all conflict. Youd think that between a dozen people at least someone would have a break at the same time. I dont know what to do with Newman, I feel like I want to back away from it because this crush is only driving a wedge between me and some of those friendships, only b/c of me but I cant control my emotions. Its kinda hard when you think the girl you like likes your roommate... That alone is yet another problem. I have 4 guy roommates...yet I feel that I dont have any guy I can talk to. Most guys have a guy best friend which they share all their good and bad times with. My closest guy friend is Ben but recently I feel like that friendship we have is just going away, hes hardly around, always doing Newman stuff and most of the time when he is here hes joking around or venting to Steve. I guess I'll just stick to the only two best friends I have...Christy and Charisse.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:20 AM